What I want to share is not an easy task. I have learned that these moments are usually the ones that help someone the most. It's in the times that we bare our broken hearts or we reveal our own inner struggles that we are able to help others. What if in our transparency someone else's heart is mended or better yet, what if they receive hope in the feeling of not being alone in their struggle. A friend of mine recently reminded me of a real raw truth, one I needed to remember. We cannot feel sorry for ourselves because we are all in the struggle and we all have the same enemy. What truth were those words!
Recently my struggle came up from the deepest parts of my heart, a place I didn't want to visit but the Lord was putting his finger right on that place in my heart. I could feel the pull. The tension. The real emotion. I could feel it and yet I didn't understand why I was still struggling. Haven't I healed in this place Lord? How many times must I confront this.. "As many as it takes" He whispered. Whole. Healed. That is His desire for us. For you. For me.
To understand my struggle I want to share how it came about..and yes this does have a good ending.
Almost 6 months ago the Lord spoke to my husband and I to sale our home and move to Ft Worth. We have had a season of hardships since he first spoke those words. Promotion loss, financial struggles, difficulties with my vehicle and the list could go on. Not understanding the process or knowing our next steps we continued on and the Lord, in His grace, and through His many children helped us to just keep going. We prayed, we cried, we wanted to go back at times but yet He encouraged us to press on with wonderful promises continually on this journey. Finally, at the end of a two week period alone I wept on my bedroom floor. I wept like I hadn't in a long long time. But why? I trusted His word. I could see Him at work in my life but yet I still struggled. I struggled that God would actually do what He said. I knew that He could but I struggled that He would...for me. There it was so clearly. I had heard the lies but rather than hold to the truth I remained numb. I had felt I could take no more. I could feel it no more and oh how it hurt. It was right there in that broken hearted state that I cried out to Him and He answered me. The Lord spoke to me and said the words I had waited to hear break through the silence. What was going on? We had obeyed. We had done all that He asked. Every step. Every thing He said we listened and responded. We went and desired to know that we could trust Him even when we could not see.
That's when He spoke, in what appeared to be a dark night, was actually a moment of deeper still. More wholeness. More healing. More trust. More closeness. So much more.
"Daughter this isn't about whether I will take care of you or provide all that you need. You know my word. You know that truth. This is about you knowing me as your Daddy who truly wants the best for you. To trust me as your Daddy is to trust my plan as the best for you even when you can't see it. Even when you do not understand. Trust your Daddy." And then the tears. The pain of not having a Daddy to care for me or to protect me. I cried and cried. I bawled in my husbands arms as I told him that I still struggle. When will I not struggle? Then I allowed all the feelings to surface from this season, all the tears were indeed healing this place in my heart even more. I began to laugh as I realized this is good. This is good! This feels good! This is healing tears!! My husband jokingly said to me, "so we have happy tears, sad tears I know and now healing tears!" I said yes, apparently so because I feel much better.
We then prayed through that time together. I released bitterness I still felt deep down. I hated the fact that I don't have a Daddy who truly cares and that my children may not ever have him as a grandfather. It still hurts. It hurts when I least expect it to. It hurts in those moments I want to avoid.. I had to be completely honest with God, that at times I want what my daughters and son have. A daddy who loves them so much. But oh I do!! I have my Daddy God and I was seeing it so much clearer than before, deeper than before. More Lord. More.
Let me share how He showed me in a very personal moment. I had recently gone to donate blood for my family even though the needle hurt and my bruised arm was very sore. I tried to anyway, but couldn't follow through because of the weakness in my arm since being injured in a fall. I started to panic as I sat in the chair and silently prayed, I could feel my eyes starting to water from the pain. "ok Lord, just get me out of this." This was not a good idea at all. Trying to take care of yourself doesn't work out when God wants to take care of you. All of sudden my chair's system broke down and the alarm starts going off. They come over to tell me I couldn't continue today but that they would still pay me for the day. God saved me!! Well later that week as the Lord was talking to me about knowing Him as my daddy, He said this to me "You love your family so much that you would go and give your own blood to help them,even when it hurts. I love you more than that. I love you so much that I did give my own blood for you through my Son Jesus. In an unbearable way I poured out my life for you. If I love you that much, just know and trust that I have the best for you. I will take care of you always." Always. Yes He loves me and Yes He will. Not just that He can but that He will! I get it Lord, you are the Daddy I always wanted. The Daddy I always needed. The Daddy I always had. I don't have to struggle, I just have to be still and know that You are God. And that amazing, faithful, strong, and loving God is also my Daddy. One who loves me so much that there is nothing He wouldn't do for me. After all He already did it all. Yes Daddy you will, because you already did. Yes Daddy you will, because you love me. Thank you Daddy. I want to know you even more.Thank you for the truth in the struggle. I love you so much.
You see, you and I have a Daddy that loves us so much. Whether you had a loving earthly father or not makes no difference. There is no comparison to Him and there is no comparison to His love. Rest knowing that yes He can and yes He will, do all He said He would,simply because He loves you that much.
So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how MUCH MORE will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Matthew 7:11 NLT.
Our FATHER in heaven may your name be kept holy. Matthew 6:9 NLT
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